It’s pretty clear by now from my posts that I love gay erotica. Love the build up to sex, love the emotion, love the atmosphere. I also especially love that when penetrative sex is about to happen, the pace is slow, there’s checking in, there’s care and tenderness involved and most of the time there’s copious amounts of lube. Sloane Black has said it over and over: Lube is our friend, it’s not an indictment of anything other than slippery goodness.
So many scenarios between men and women in the straight erotica involve the men jamming their fingers into the women’s pussies with little or no lead time. Same with penetration, jamming their cocks inside. The assumption is that the women are ready to go, their bodies already open.
I’ve experienced that and it always made me feel less, as if I were just the means to the end of the script. Same with being thrown on the bed. It can be seen as passion, for me it’s about impatience, frustration with the speed of the progression. Of course, my perspective for this is personal because that was the majority of my experience for the first 10 years of my marriage. I was the vessel to the destination.
Nope, nope, nope. Please just make it stop. That’s the script that gets us all into trouble. The bypassing of building the pleasure, of being in the connection, of feeling the exquisite sensations of another body and of how this body reacts to you. The script is relentless in pushing us to the conclusion that only the orgasm is the end goal.
Mercer, Zen and Anastasia Williams have written extensively about how to open the body for the real connection. How to arrive in the space that creates the setting for real sacred intimacy. When combined with the desire to really see, feel experience your lover, we’re talking about soul shaking sexual connections.
To reiterate, I want to see you, be present with you, feel you in all the ways you are. I want you to know that I crave you, your responses, the reality of you. I want to touch you slowly, deeply, with presence. Be in it with you without distraction. The passion is very much a part of it, the foundation has to be laid for it to arrive.
And we’re gonna use lube, a lot of it, because it feels good. I want to touch you in all of your tender, sacred spaces and under no circumstances should it hurt.
Tagging the gay erotica writers I love because they are shining examples of how good penetrative sex for men can be.
Arden Tomas™ 🏳️🌈 , Tyler Calloway , Til Brenko, Kai, @londonboystudios, R. Adrian Thorne ⏾⋆.˚ and many others
This resonates! Especially when you wrote: …’being thrown on the bed. It can be seen as passion, for me it’s about impatience’
My theory is that the worst male M/M erotica writers default to insta-porn-a-penetration because, well, uh, we are partially wired that way, arousal-wise. That’s why men consume so much porn irl. Takes time, discipline and skill to lead our characters into a unique, literary, believably pleasant, lubricated - yet red hot - experience!
Violence and bodice ripping substitute for real connection in W/M pulp erotica. Rapid penetration porn is the substitute in M/M.
I’m exhausted from substack scrolling through stuff labelled erotica that is actually porn. I understand that it sells. I just wish it was differentiated so I could choose! Any ideas for a label?
Demi, this piece is everything. ❤️
You put into words something I've felt for so long but never knew how to articulate. The way you describe the difference — the jelenlét (presence), the síkosító, the slow building — that's exactly what makes M/M erotika so powerful. It's not just about the act. It's about the connection. The way two men have to work together, communicate, pay attention to every reaction.
And that line: "The bypassing of building the pleasure" — that's the root of so much bad sex and bad erotika. The assumption that the body is ready, that the pleasure can be rushed, that the goal is the orgasm and not the journey.
Thank you for writing this. And thank you for mentioning me among those writers. I'm honored to be in that company. 🔥