The Anatomy and Evolution of an Orgasm

From one woman’s perspective

A question I’ve begun to ask my women friends is this: when did you discover your deep orgasm?  How was that revealed to you?

For me, it was about 10 years ago.  When it happened to me, I finally understood the actual ecstasy of it, the sense of losing myself in the pleasure of it. And now, I can orgasm from penetration alone. I’ve become shockingly vocal. In fact I’m certain I’ve scared my neighbors on occasion. 

The event that kicked it off was the discovery of my husband’s affair with a woman half his age. We had been misaligned for a couple of years, they worked together and she approached him.  She was in her 20s and very uninhibited and he’s always been very sexual. She had a kind of Waffle House waitress vibe and he loved that about her. 

My comportment with him was always more restrained. He was often frustrated with my response because he knew what he was doing should satisfy me. It always had with his prior women and we had gotten locked in this dance of his irritation and my effort to respond properly. Sex became very performative for me and I grew further and further away from my own body and desire. 

That all blew apart when I discovered the affair, the pictures, the love notes. He had recently gotten very fit and very confident so he wasn’t just connecting with the waitress, he was connecting with an old lover and new Facebook friends.  Very explicit and a lot of contact across multiple women. 

There was a lot of emotional pain associated with this discovery and I thought long and hard about ending the marriage. This is my second marriage and the sense of failure was overwhelming. I knew if I ended it, I would never want to be in a romantic  relationship again. And what about sex?

The sex piece was the difficult part. I need to be touched and I love to touch people. I have always wanted gourmet sex although most often, I’ve felt like I was preparing the feast only to watch it be devoured through the kitchen window. Just a morsel for me here and there. 

My husband didn’t need to like me to fuck me. Most frequently, he did like me after he fucked me for a period of time.  That always made me feel hollow. 

In the aftermath of the affair, I came to the realization that sex IS for me. And that I didn’t need to like my husband either to fuck him. Sex could be purely mechanical. 

That’s where I found the deep orgasm. I gave up monitoring any other sensations than my own.  Started just taking what I wanted. Saying stop when I didn’t like what was happening. Started releasing fully into my own pleasure.  The first time it happened, it scared me. My husband was shocked. 

Over time, I’ve learned to go deeper into it. And it’s sublime. 

My husband and I are still together, tenuously, and we don’t have sex anymore due to a variety of factors. We don’t share a bed and are mostly grumpy roommates. 

But the deep orgasms continue, solo at this point, but I hope that will change. The best thing would be to have a partner who values me and my pleasure as much as I value hers/his/theirs.  To be deeply connected, seen, trusted and esteemed . 

I know that’s out there for me. That’s part of the reason I’m here and becoming part of this tribe.