The Beginning and the Path

Well, how did I get here (and where is my beautiful wife). With apologies to the Talking Heads

In 2022, I went to a company event which pulled together a bunch of executives. Interesting folks. I love these events. A fancy dinner after cocktails was the program for the evening and I spent some time talking to the executives who I knew already and ones who were new to me. 

One guy in particular was buzzy and felt interesting to me so we talked for a long time. Truthfully, I talked at him and he was very gracious about it. His team kept trying to rescue him from chatty me but he kept listening, so I dunno. Toward the end of the cocktail hour he asked me for my Insta handle and added me then. Clever really, that should have been the end of it but no, I started following his stories and commenting in his DMs. Just little things but then we fell into communication over Insta. Fast forward 6 months and I’m sending him silly reels and asking about the family and whatnot. Super clean, respectful but also, hey who are you in all of your executiveness. 

And he started to really respond with thought provoking questions and curiosity and just the lightest edge of flirting. Easily deniable but there, just the touch. 

And I started to wake up. I’d been feeling numb, old, invisible, like a black crow. He made me realize I was interested in stuff that interested him. Science, dance reels, clever and stupid humor. There was a spark of intellect, enthusiasm, humor and recognition. We joshed each other about work in similar industries and minor things in our days. I started to feel seen. 

Things over time progressed. I learned more about him, about his life and family and kids. The things he valued. I was paying attention but most crucially so was he. I’d been used to my attention only going outward for so long that this felt like a revelation. It was the seeing that got me.

This is why I feel so strongly about looking at others, into others, seeing them with presence and kindness. Because he did it for me and I emerged from the fugue state I’d been in for a really long time. It wasn’t just my mind, it was also my body that woke up. I started to feel desire again, not just physical desire but desire for everything.  Started listening to music again, dancing in my living room.

He’s kind of a big deal and has a lot of followers on Instagram. I started following one of his followers because his content intrigued me.  Let’s call him MK.

MK is East Coast based and his content was based on his weight loss and his return to fitness.  MK had been a big man, really big for more than 15 years and finally decided enough was enough.  He did the whole keto and gym rat thing.  His process took 2+ years and he completely transformed himself.  He also went from being practically invisible as a fat man to a very compelling presence.  He talked about this in his content - about the societal shame of being fat and the judgements surrounding that.  He’s funny and humble, happily married with kids and generally a happy guy.

MK is also sexually underserved, and I don’t mean that in a judgmental way.  His wife loves him deeply and at the same time, his desire and hers are not matching well.  So we started flirting on Insta and things got heated pretty quickly because he’s funny and attractive and very, very good in his communications.

MK spoke to me in very open and direct ways about desire and fantasy.  He revealed to me that one of his deepest desires was to be craved.  You know how, sometimes when people say a thing to you, you’re struck by the truth of it?  That struck me.  He said he knew his wife loves him, she just doesn’t always see him.  He could be wearing a tuxedo or jeans and a t-shirt and there would be no difference in how she saw him.  He wants to be craved.  

Now, I see that everywhere in the men that I meet and that I know.  The want, the need to be desired, seen at the deepest level.  It’s visceral.  

We interacted deeply for 4 months.  During that time, he drew me out as well.  There was an openness,  an honesty and absolutely no judgement about what we said to each other.  I recognize now that’s its own form of love.  We could say everything to each other, filthy things, taboo subjects, innermost thoughts.  It was revelatory.  I hadn’t let my guard down in so long I didn’t know what it felt like anymore.  It was an utter relief.

In the end, we stopped.  I was creating too much distraction and it ended.  He drew up the boundaries he needed to and that was the end.  

18 months later, I sent him this message because I needed to say how grateful I was:

MK,

 Over the last week or so, I’ve been thinking about you and about our interactions in 2025.  This is not a request to reopen daily communications or disrupt your life, I just wanted to tell you how much gratitude I have for you and for how we connected early last year.

 I remember telling you towards the end of our engagement that you had healed a part of me that I didn’t know needed healing.  Looking back at how I felt late in 2024 and early 2025 feels very different than it does now.  Here’s what I know about you – you are a genuinely good and kind human being.  You’re a dedicated father and husband and you make the world a better place.  You engaged with and met me with honesty, kindness, courage and empathy and helped me express a part of myself that had been hidden.  Because of you, I was able to explore a very different aspect of myself.  You were open and encouraging in a number of different ways.  You helped show me a path and a different way of being without judgement.  You “saw” me differently and helped me see myself that way as well. 

 It helped that you were trustworthy and that you offered me your trust and were very clear about what you needed, especially around your boundaries.

 In the last 6 months or so, a number of things have come together – emotionally, intellectually and physically - that have helped me step into myself and so much of that was due to you.  I feel like a fully integrated human now and like it’s possible to really show up in the world in all of the weird and wonderful ways one can.  No more hiding, no more masking, just joyful being.

 I know we’ll probably never meet but I value and respect you.  I trust you and know that if we really did know each other, we’d be true friends.

 Slightly off topic, my New Year’s resolution this year is simply to love my people harder.  You’re included in that group, whether or not we’re in contact.

 Thank you most profoundly – may you be blessed with every happiness.

Demi

I wonder how many people have been or are numbed out in similar ways. And how we, I, can help draw them back into the living by seeing them. As they are, in their soulfulness. With presence and awareness and kindness. Help make them welcome in the tribe.  

This is the gift we can give each other.  The desire to look more deeply at another soul, to crave knowing them. Help them step into themselves by being a witness.  This is the work that matters.